The authors’ Boomer Project asked boomers to select from a list of life stage labels to describe where they are right now. Boomers over 50 responded as follows:

Empty Nester—73%
Parent—50%
Grandparent—41%
Care-Giver—28%
Retired—26%
New Job—17%
Child in College—20%
Child at Home—27%

The authors give a rousing “huh?” to the fact that half say that “parent” is an apt descriptor that relates to their life, and yet nearly 3/4s state “empty nester” is accurate. They write: “It seems that in order to have an empty nest now, at one point you had to have had children, which means you’re likely still a parent.”

I think I can explain. The other day, I was speaking with a colleague about my imminent relocation from Napa, California to the DC office, where FH Boom is lodged. My colleague asked: “Do you have children?”

Without thinking, I replied: “They’re gone.”

I realize now that she assumed that by the way I said this, they had both passed away.

I quickly corrected the impression—but it did provide food for thought.

My impulse to respond in this manner had to do with the context of the conversation. In regards to my work life, they are no longer present as limitations on my freedom. I am able to move across the country, to make career and self-centric decisions, without having to factor in which school district, when is the best age/stage to move a child, how will they leave their friends and so on.

While these are pluses, they are also “gone” in that in regards to the daily business of living, they are no longer in the house, an everyday presence, feeding my need for entertainment, for pride of mentoring, for intensity of relationship. They really are “gone” in certain respects (and by the way, as such have been duly and appropriately mourned!)

At the same time they really are “gone”, I head off next week to my son’s wedding. My daughter will be there and I will certainly revert back to parental behavior and identity. I will revel in being mom again, to whatever degree I can get my son’s attention as he rightfully puts his bride on first chair—and with my daughter, who usually is fine about me giving her spontaneous hugs in public. Statistically, I’d say I’m an Empty Nester about 75% of the time, and generously, a parent about 50% of the time. Makes absolute sense to me.

The study took place a few years ago, by the way, and I would be very interested to see what the results would be today, with an increasing number of us boomers becoming grandparents. My guess is that before long, Grandparent will shoot to the top of the list, pushing both Empty Nester and Parent into lower digits.

Why? For the boomers I know with grandchildren, the youngsters become their passion, the same way a boomer might prefer to identify her/himself as “an amateur historian”, “a master gardener” or “world traveler.” “Grandparent” (which contributes proactively to boomers’ sense of self) trumps “parent” (which once one’s child has become an adult has tilted the balance of power in the direction of the grown child). And as for the Empty Nest, while it definitely has its pluses, there’s nothing as irresistible as having two little eyes looking up at you adoringly, fully, completely and undeniably present.

Carol Orsborn